I have just spent a delicious, intricate weekend involved in a wonderful course called The Art of Be-ing. The art of being, I was soon to discover was becoming still and first connecting and being with self, listening to what was needed and following. Easy peazy you say. Right, not so. We learnt how our four legged coaches live in the now, their energies are huge and they can connect with our energy easily, however, we have to be present and in the moment ourselves. They can listen to their environment to keep themselves safe as well as carry out what it is we want them to do. How we communicate is huge. “I want to connect with the horse and make him move – Isn’t a very clear intention. What will that look like, how will we know we have been successful. Hmm, lets try again. I want the horse to look at me and follow me when I step away from him. Ah much clearer. How many times do we believe we are communicating well, when indeed, we lack clarity? We then convey an unclear message and get angry when our message wasn’t received well or carried out. Working with the horses this weekend has shown me how, I am quite unclear in my intentions on a daily basis. I may start out clear in the early hours of the morning but by lunchtime may have gotten quite distracted as other seemingly more important “things” required my attention. Resulting in nothing very much being accomplished. I create too many “too dos” for my list and then become discouraged as they don’t get completed unless I have a deadline. Working with no deadline for me doesn’t work – the project sits there unfinished. I tell myself, well I’m working hard, I’ve so much to do – its OK it isn’t completed – yet! - oh the self talk – how convincing I can be.
What the Horses Taught Me!
After working with the horses this weekend (no riding). I see now how “ambivalent” I have grown over successes and outcomes. I have built up this safety mechanism to keep myself safe and small apparently. I am OK if something works out and I am also OK if it doesn’t. This way I will not feel the devastation of something not working out. I will keep my equilibrium “I will keep Calm”. How very British of me!
So, this weekend taught me so much – I spent approximately 15 minutes in total with the horses to discover this gem over the weekend. No wonder my coaching business came to a standstill once my book was published. Being too busy to find clients became my battle cry. If I was too busy, at least I was being productive, I was still working on my business. I was staying safe and small at the same time.
Another of Life’s Losses
What will I do with this information. Well now that I am busted I can no longer hide from self and others. I need to allow myself to feel what that devastation as I call it will feel like. Will I really be devastated if no one coaches with me or buys my book? I won’t die or be judged that is for sure. My ambivalence is my safety mechanism from keeping me from feeling potential fearful outcomes. Quite cleaver really, we humans have been built for survival and have created many tools to keep ourselves so. Where and when did I learn this technique? It is sad also to think by having this unconscious behavior (well until this weekend) how I am living only half a life. I have successfully stopped my negative (disappointed/devastated) emotion from being expressed so how can I totally feel my positive emotions fully, my joy, my happiness. I now have found yet another of life’s losses that must be grieved. The lost of my full self. The loss of allowing my full emotions their rightful expression. To allow myself to really feel the disappointment, be with it, connect and then follow where it will lead me. All unexpressed emotions are like a holding a beach ball under water. It takes so much more energy to do so. It is time to allow the beach ball to go and for me to totally welcome back my disappointment and devastation and know whatever they bring will be better than not feeling them.
Exploring Equine Coach for My Grief Clients
I thought I was doing this weekend for my potential clients, if they needed more coaching then perhaps Equine Coaching would bring more out for them, once I had gotten them through their grief was my intention for the weekend. I was merely curious to see how it could work for them.
Little did I know, how it would work so well for me also. I love the archeological dig, the finding of those golden nuggets, the alchemy of how life, emotions can shift in an instant! Thank you my two legged coaches and my four legged ones for your love and gentle support. It was a valuable dig!